Well, whoapos;da thunk it? The roommate and I have actually started to get along. He even slipped and referred to me as his friend the other day. I guess it makes sense. I thought he was inconsiderate and frustrating, but I never actually felt like he was disrespecting me or being a prick. My sis mentioned the other day that I rush to judgement too quickly. Sheapos;s right.
Iapos;ve been getting fat. I donapos;t look bad necessarily, but I used to have pokey hip bones and abs. Price you pay for age, I guess. As if there arenapos;t enough already.
My neighbor Kitty made me watch the Notebook tonight. My main motivations for watching it were as follows:
1) Had nothing better to do
2) Rachel McAdams is hot. Hot is an understatement.
3) Ryan Gosling is supposedly playing Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern and my favorite comic book character of all time. I wanted to see him in something to see how I feel about him playing my 2D idol.
It did make me think about getting old, though. God, itapos;s already going by too fast. Itapos;s not that I mind aging to a degree. Itapos;s just coming too fast. I can live with turning 45. I donapos;t know about 70, if I ever get there. Ugh. Itapos;s scary to think about but it seems like 18 wasnapos;t so long ago---hell, it feels like last year sometimes---and Iapos;ll be turning 26 in a few months. Fucking 26. Thatapos;s terrifying.
I wonder what Iapos;ll leave behind. Wife? Kids, God help me? I wonder if Iapos;ll be happy with everything when I look back on it. I wonder what Iapos;ll have accomplished. If Iapos;ll have helped people, if Iapos;ll have made my mark, what friends Iapos;ll have, and everything.
I guess itapos;s a pointless thing to think about. Life is too fragile to even assume Iapos;ll live that long. Itapos;s not a morbid thought to me. I could have died a few times already. I know people who have. You never know. So I try not to worry. I try not to be afraid. Because in the end, I canapos;t control any of it. I might as well just enjoy it while it lasts.
People think of me as shallow, I think. Some do, anyway. I come across as irresponsible or immature or whatever and while I probably am both of those, I spent a lot of time thinking when I was younger about life and death and all manner of existential questions. My only real conclusion is that there IS no answer. Never will be. We have no control, we have no answers, and we never ever will. So people who preach or discuss all this philisophical questions are, in my opinion, jacking themselves off. All it is. Theyapos;re trying to be deep and intellectual and in reality, itapos;s all meaningless. Itapos;s like the little kids in school who act like know-it-alls. Itapos;s an adult version of that, but most adults are just as dumb and clueless as they were as kids.
So I try not to do that. I think about the same stuff everyone does, but I donapos;t have any interest in being one of those pretentious pseudo intellectuals. I mean, you can quote Niche and you love a bunch of boring movies. Youapos;re just as fucked and clueless as the rest of us. Iapos;m impatient with philosophy, Iapos;m impatient with school, Iapos;m impatient with work....because timeapos;s always running out. I just want to enjoy as much of it as I can before Iapos;m feeding worms.
The only meaning I find in life is helping each other out. Itapos;s family and friends. Itapos;s music and having drinks and making love and seeing the world. Thatapos;s all thatapos;s actually important. I canapos;t see a reason to give a shit about anything else. I do what makes me happy and I donapos;t hurt other people.
Iapos;m rambling. Watching old dudes cry is depressing, even in a movie.
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